The world doesn't seem real to me. Nothing seems real to me. I can't talk to others for two reasons:
1. I get nervous and want to run away or cry
2. I get tried of them and act cruel and think constantly about them dying. Like exactly how and how I'll get away with it.
I don't know why, but the latter happens more.
I've watched porn since I was 9 after my cousin went to jail after molesting me. I'm now 14 and my sexual thoughts are so intense that I wouldn't be surprised if I act on them.
I can't go to therapy because I don't trust therapists. I don't like someone digging into my thoughts. I already believe some people can read thoughts. So when I'm outside, I try not to think.
Group projects disgust me because the other kids are so stupid. I always take over the project and we make a good grade. They just want to joke around and play.
Friends? I don't want them. My mom has always tried to make me make friends but I don't want them and never have. It makes her sad. She's the only person in the world I feel some compassion for. Probably not as much as the "normal" person, but still some compassion.
I let people beat me up because I like the feeling of being beaten up. I'm like a masochist I guess. and I also like to hurt others. One time I scratched this boy and seeing the blood made me happy. The rich color, the nice smell.... makes me feel good just thinking about it. I think I'm a sadist.
I cut myself to see the blood,
to smell that wonderful smell,
to taste the wonderful taste.
After I'm done I then wipe the blood off with kleenex and keep them. I have an entire collection under my bed.
I don't know, don't think I'm all that normal. But owh well, I'm not doing that bad either.