Funnies/Jokes
I'll start posting some funnies/jokes just for the hell of it and to give some laughter to people that are having a bad day 
, I'll add more and more as I find them.Joke 1
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Joke 2
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Joke 3
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Joke 4
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Joke 5
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Joke 6
She was so blonde...
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead
because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she told me to meet her
at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...under "education" on her job application,
she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..
she put "Sagittarius".
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home, she moved.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead
because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she told me to meet her
at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...under "education" on her job application,
she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..
she put "Sagittarius".
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home, she moved.
Joke 7
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap!"
The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"
"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"
"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
Joke 8
WAYS TO ANNOY OTHERS IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM
The next time you are in a public restroom do one or more of the following:
* Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
* Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
* Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
* Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
* Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
* Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
* Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
* Say, "Now how did that get there?"
* Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
* Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
* Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
* Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
* Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
* Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
* Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
* Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
* Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
* Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
* Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
The next time you are in a public restroom do one or more of the following:
* Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
* Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
* Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
* Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
* Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
* Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
* Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
* Say, "Now how did that get there?"
* Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
* Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
* Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
* Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
* Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
* Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
* Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
* Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
* Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
* Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
* Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Joke 9
SHORT POTTY JOKES
Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.
Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.
