Dear @Chic,
Don't worry, brother. I understand that you did not have to open up to us about something so deep and dark, but you are being honest (I would hope) and being honest with yourself is the strongest energy you could ever imagine.. I am a firm believer in finding what the truth is, and since you found a little light at the tunnel and built strength to publicly tell us random strangers over the internet, that I feel you know who you really are.
Don't sweat the bad past, we all have a dirty past, like myself, @Michael and I could name two handfuls of users here. You are backed by a strong support like here, Chic. Don't forget that. You are a stronger person and you said yourself that you are learning to love yourself and your brother again.
*If you ever need anything, let me know...