I've lost my will to live

I think about suicide every day. I think about losing my loved ones everday. Im trapped in my own thoughts. I know its inevitable that people I love will die and I will have to deal with that pain. I have already had to look at my own father, my best friend, lay dead in a casket. I cant forget the feeling, the image, the smell of the funeral home. Its burned in my brain. I fear nothing more than having to go through that again. I dont know when its going to happen but I know it will. It haunts me. So I mourn other peoples deaths everyday. I hate myself. And I hate life. And I hate this world that I've been forced to live in. I wish I were never born. I've been through a lot that I cant begin to explain. Its ruined me.

Recently things were looking up for me. I have been talking to this wonderful girl for a few months now. In a world where I feel alone I found someone who is just like me. She is extremely physically attractive, but shes also very intelligent and open minded which is more important to me than anything else. I have never met a girl like her. She is so special. She wanted to try taking things to the next level. I was hesitant for my own reasons, but she encouraged me to give it a chance. So I did. I met her for the first time on valentines day and spent the weekend at her house.

I had an amazing weekend. Everything seemed to go great. We both agreed we didnt want to have sex yet which is perfectly okay with me. I wanted to do things the right way. We just kissed/made out and cuddled. That was enough for me. She grew on me. I love holding her in my arms, nurturing her and showing her affection. And of course when she showed me affection I relished every moment of it. I woke up sunday feeling sad because I knew I was going to have to leave. She lives an hour and a half away so its not like I can just walk over whenever I want to. We gave our goodbyes sunday night, and I left feeling really good about everything. The next day we were texting all day like we usually do, she said she missed me. Later that night she told me she just wanted to be friends. It hit me really hard, I was so confused. She didnt give me much of an explanation, other than that our body chemistry wasnt there. I tried everything I could. I just want to see her again, to hold her again, to talk to her about this. And shes shutting me down. I tried explaining that body chemistry is built, we just met, etc. It was like talking to a brick wall. She would just get hostile with me. I cant begin to explain how hurt I am. In my effort to fix things, I pushed her away. She wants to be friends and still text everyday but she made it clear that we will never be anything more than that and nothing I say or do can change that. She drew me in against my own will, made me feel special, treated me special, then just threw me away like a piece of trash for a reason that I will never be able to understand. I cant deal with this pain. :'(

This is the straw on the camels back. I fucking hate everything. I've been contemplating suicide all week, which isnt out of the ordinary, but its been more in depth. Ive been doing research. I think my best bet is to purposely overdose on something like Morphine. I'll go to sleep and never wake up again. I see no other solution. No matter what, life has me by the balls and there is nothing I can do about it. I dont feel like I have anybody I can talk to about this. The only thing thats stopped me from doing this my family. I just cant bring myself to do it. I would be leaving behind my mom and 3 younger sisters. They have been through so much. I am the last piece of glue holding them together. There is so much more to all of this that I dont think is worth explaining. Im coming here because I dont know what to do. I really dont want to be alive anymore. I need somebody to push me over the edge. Its what I want. I just care too much to do it myself. Im trapped.

This song is basically how I feel inside: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BVpAnZi_oU

@pastlife, if you need anybody to talk to, come to me. ;p

This is just a rough patch in your life. I'm guessing your young. If your at rock bottom, you can only move up. Killing yourself should never be an option. It's very selfish. No one ever said life will be easy. You just have to live it to its fullest and think positive.

Poop said:

This is just a rough patch in your life. I'm guessing your young. If your at rock bottom, you can only move up. Killing yourself should never be an option. It's very selfish. No one ever said life will be easy. You just have to live it to its fullest and think positive.

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My 20th birthday is next week. Thats another reason im putting this off. I've been depressed for so long, probably since I was 8 years old. You dont understand, this is not just a rouch patch. My whole life has been this way. I've been at rock bottom for a long time. There is no up, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only the inevitable, death and pain. I have tried for so long. Im tired. I just want to put myself out of my own misery.

Man, girls come and go, don't sweat it. It may seem bad now, and trust me, I've felt the same, but suicide is permant for a temporary problem. Just use these feelings as a reason to strive to be great. Hit me up, trust me, I've felt the same way.

You need need someone to talk to, hit up @Michael . He's been through some of the same things you have.

Pastlife said:

My 20th birthday is next week. Thats another reason im putting this off. I've been depressed for so long, probably since I was 8 years old. You dont understand, this is not just a rouch patch. My whole life has been this way. I've been at rock bottom for a long time. There is no up, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only the inevitable, death and pain. I have tried for so long. Im tired. I just want to put myself out of my own misery.

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Your young, the rest of your life will not be like this. But hey, if you want to make your family even more depressed than you are now, then go for it.

I hate how just because you have had a rough life so far that you are thinking about killing yourself. That is awful man. People who are brought up through a rough life usually end to succeed more in life. Just push through you will be fine. Just think about all the good things that life has to offer. You don't want to be sitting in some fucking casket lifeless. Plus think about all the other people you will be hurting if you do it. Find a therapist or go to your school guidance counselor and talk to them. Talk to your mom. Just do something be proactive about this. These are serious feelings that you have and you need to let people know that you are having these/going through them. I hope this will help you. BTW Thanks for the movie recommendation on DMT I loved it. Hey and if you need someone to talk to I am here for you man. PM me for my skype. I'd love to help you out. Also about this little lady friend you had there are many fish in the sea.

I've had a friend attempt to commit suicide. One night he told me he was going to do it. He did not get back to me for 3 days. During that time, I don't think I had a second of happiness. It turned out his attempt failed. I was extremely happy. Something to note: This was an "internet" friend. I did not know at the time how to get people's addresses, so I was helpless. Now, after knowing what I went through for 3 days over a friend on the internet that MIGHT have killed himself, imagine how your Mom would feel. Imagine how that girl would feel. She would feel like she was to blame, and she would possibly take her own life as well. Imagine how your 3 younger sisters would feel. You are very young, and it would be unfortunate to see you make such a mistake at this young age. Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things WILL get better. They always do. But sometimes, things have to get better before they get worse. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. My AIM: Branch My Skype: getneutered or you can PM me.
-Mojo

I forget who said it but here it is : Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just roll with it bro.

@Pastlife - I will not allow you to kill yourself. You don't know me and I don't know you and me telling you I won't allow you to take your life, it's humorous, isn't it? You could be thinking: "This guy doesn't even know me at all, and he can't tell me what to do" and that's right. I can't, I can't tell you what to do and that is what makes me so sad. I want you to live because you haven't even seen what is beyond the life you're currently living. I can guarantee my life that if you just listen to me that things will ultimately get better and you will feel true happiness. You will feel positivity, but in order to do so you must change your mindset and the way you live. I want to start off with the first few things that you have declared in your thread above.


I know how you feel, suicide is on my mind every instant of the day. You simply can't leave your loved ones. I've had to go through this place to get to the next, but you might still be in that place. If you're trying to get out, just listen to me. I'll get you there. You're trapped in your own thoughts due to the horrific sights you've seen and been through. You need to realise there is so much else you need to contemplate and think of, like what am I going to be doing 20 years from now? Because I damn swear, you will see the next 20 years of life and more and YOU will be better. I cannot understand the pain of losing your father and I am sincerely sorry for your loss. He is in a better place and I just know that and you will see him again, promise. It must have been tragic and this is what is dragging you down, once you let go you will feel so much happier. It's what he would want, wouldn't he? Wouldn't he want to see his beautiful wife, son and 3 daughters to be smiling and positive, living a life with such outlook and happiness? Actually achieving something in life, being successful, doing what you've always dreamed of? I think so. You can't mourn for the death that others will go through, you're the person that needs to be there for everyone? Is that how you think? Of course you'd feel like that, but your life is more important and valuable then anyone else's. I've experienced that first hand with 9 suicide attempts. I'm lucky to be even breathing this air. Pastlife, please. Your life is so fucking valuable I can't even explain it and it's getting me emotional talking about it. I hate this life as much as you, I HATE the world, but it's kept me going and is keeping me to realise the most beautiful things in life. You can't leave your mother and sisters, please man. Imagine how they'd feel without the only person they can talk to about this stuff. They would be ruined, it would cause a chain reaction. God forbid, imagine your sisters taking their lives because of the brother they've lost? The most amazing, love filled brother they've lost. Please.


Keep looking up! It is amazing that one girl can make you feel like the only guy in the world. I've experienced this. I've experienced how amazing it is to hold the girl of your life in your arms and just feel the warmth and love that comes with it. I am happy that this has happened to you and you should feel happy about this too, imagine if one girl can make you feel so many emotions, imagine what life has in store for you. You will find the girl of YOUR DREAMS! She will love you for who you are I promise you that, you just need to keep thinking positively and keep a mindset of how it is going to get better because I promise you, it WILL.


I will be honest with you, that is girls for you. They twist and turn you and they can make you do whatever they please. Most of them are evil and like to play guys just for the hell of it. I'm sorry that she just wants to be friends, it's happened to all of us including me. If one girl can make you feel special then imagine what your perfect girl will make you feel and you will find her, I promise you. Your life is not worth throwing away, you have so much to live for. Considering you're nearly 5 years older then me, you can do what you want! I am still restricted, but your possibilities are unlimited! You can do what you please, hell take out your funds and fly somewhere with your mother and sisters! Have fun! Leave the mourning behind and do what's right, you deserve it. You deserve 100%, pure happiness and your whole family does, this whole community does too. It's not hard once you put your mind to it.


Stop the contemplation! Please! I know how you feel but this is NOT the way out, you may fail an suffer the consequences the REST OF YOUR LIFE! It's not fair putting your family through it, I see so many solutions for you. You can talk to me about anything, brother. I feel like I've known you forever, please. You personally know you can't leave them, and I know how you feel about being alive. You hate it, you're sick of it and I UNDERSTAND! I know deep down you don't want to do it, I know deep down that you know what's right and it is certainly not suicide. You have that little, fraction of a bit of happiness left inside of you that you can grow to be a giant big ball of positivity and I will help you. Please live long enough to read my reply, I love you man, please. Just hold on longer.

@Michael is the mother/Counselor of this forum lol, just go to him any time you need help with something. He will most likely be able to help you. Don't end your own life, just get some help and stay strong.

Listen, I've been there with the whole girl situation.

I'm like you. I can tell I am. I don't trust just anybody. I respect girls and their bodies. I only open up to people I deem worthy.
Well I dated this girl for a year. I was happily in love, talked about marriage, my whole life with her, etc. All that fun stuff. She is beautiful, smart, hard working, etc. Everything you just explained too.
Anyway, yeah we were coming up on our 1 year anniversary. It was two weeks away to be exact. Sixteen days.
So I was about to graduate. Thirty minutes before my graduation ceremony started, I got a text from her telling me she didn't love me anymore. NOTHING could have prepared me for the shot to the heart I took. Can you imagine sitting through a long "celebration" having to think about how the girl of my dreams just told me she doesn't love me anymore? She never gave me an explanation, and she never gave me another shot. Within a week after she broke up with me, she had her friends answering her phone for her and yelling at me for trying to just understand what the hell was even going on.
I automatically shut down. I shut everyone out and kept to myself because why the hell would I open up again if the one person I trusted with my life just left me? The person who I thought was my bullet proof vest had just been the one to shoot me in the heart. It SUCKS dude. I'm not going to tell you I don't still suffer from it sometimes... but you know what? LIFE GOES ON. Life is a mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently IF you let it. Life will hit you harder than you or me could ever hit... but it's not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can GET HIT and keep moving forward. That's the only way you'll ever succeed.

It's not going to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Challenge yourself to become great. Get out of the funk. I did it, and I know you can. Pray about it even bub. Even if you're not religious, it can't hurt right?
Feel free to hit me up at any time if you want to talk. I'm always here. Don't hesitate.

When I read this, I began to sweat. It's as if you've experienced the SAME exact situation I have (the girl). I've actually been suicidal at a few points in my life, and I've come close at some points. Although, I've recently decided that those small moments of feeling good are what make life. Remember how you felt laying down with her, heart pumping feeling special. That will happen again, you just have to give it time. But I'm just a guy on a forum right? See, that's another thing I've come to realize. There's SO many people out there that face the same struggles as you and I, we just don't realize it. All I'm saying is if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to AIM me or something.

Dude you need to hit up @Michael, he will help you through this. He helped me through crap in my life.

@Michael @Brian @X thank you guys. Your posts have all helped in different ways. Im still feeling pretty bumbed. I wish I could spare myself the burden of pain without placing it on my family. I wish a lot of things. Im still here though. Thanks guys. And to the rest of you too.

Edit: A big part of this with her is that I still dont really have closure. This whole thing is so silly to me. She said it so many times, "you're different." As in- intelligent, caring, compassionate. I dont think she meant it in a good way. Like the first night..we were laying on her bed just looking into eachothers eyes. She smiled at me, and told me I was so respectful. I knew she wanted me to kiss her but I dont always like making the first move. I asked her if that was a bad thing, and she said no. Then she got on top of me and we went at it. I feel like she was looking for more of a physical connection and she didnt get it because I held back. I went into that weekend with the mindset of getting comfortable with her, getting to know her, meeting her family, talking. I feel like such an idiot. I wasnt trying to turn her on or fuck her, which was another thing she mentioned, was that I couldnt turn her on.. even though she told me I did a and asked me a couple times to stop (in a playful way) because she didnt want to have sex. I wish I could redo it all. I tried explaining it to her. She wasnt having it. I feel like there are outside factors that are influencing her perception of me and our short time together. She is going through some stuff right now, some of it I know about and some of it I dont. And she was without her medication for a few weeks, she just got it back and has been feeling better. But I feel like it really hurt my chances, like she wasnt in a clean mental mindset when she made all of these harsh decisions. She didnt even talk to me about it. Just cut me off. Its so frustrating, I know things werent meant to end up this way. Not this fast anyway. And I wanted to mention this to her but I knew she would get offended because im very honest and sometimes blunt. Shes just isnt being fair to me, or my feelings. She contradicted everything she told me and made me feel.